The communication habits that can undermine women’s power
I spent years working on my confidence, and knew the ins and outs of assertive communication. I was all about girl power. Apologise for taking up space? Not this lady.
But then I read Tara Mohr’s book Playing Big: Practical Wisdom for Women Who Want to Speak Up, Create and Lead. Mohr argues that women constantly diminish their power with speech habits that make us appear apologetic, surprised or even uncertain about what we’re saying. This means our ideas and opinions are unappreciated and not valued.
Studying Mohr’s list of culprits, I realised I was guilty of letting more than one of them slip into my words. It was a humbling and disconcerting discovery. If Mohr was right, I’d been seriously undermining myself with the language I used. This did not gel with the confident, educated feminist image I thought I had cultivated. Yet it seems that a lot of women are walking around feeling powerful on the inside but presenting an entirely different picture to the outside world with how we communicate. So if you’re like me, and in need of some speech-tweaking, here are some habits to ditch.
Just
My emails open with “I’m just checking in”, which Mohr says is a no-no: ” ‘Just’ shrinks your power.” I always thought it was a polite way to start an electronic conversation, but apparently this, and lines such as “I just wanted to add” and “I just think”, aren’t helping. “It’s time to say goodbye to the ‘justs’,” she says.
Actually
Using the word “actually” to announce you have a question or want to add to a discussion suggests this is a surprise both to you and anyone about to hear it. “I actually have something to add” or “I actually have a question” haven’t been doing us any favours when it comes to being heard. “Drop the ‘actually’,” says Mohr. “Of course you want to add something. Of course you have questions. There’s nothing surprising about it.”
Time limits
“I wanted to add something quickly” is a line I used in my last team meeting, which would have disappointed Mohr. If you find yourself assuring people that you won’t take up much of their time, with phrases such as “This won’t take long” or “Can I talk to you for just a minute?”, the inference is that you aren’t worth the time for people to stop and listen to you.
Uptalking
According to Mohr, many women diminish their power by raising their pitch at the end of their sentences, with the result that a statement sounds like a question. It makes us sound like we’re questioning our own ideas and we risk not being taken seriously. This verbal tic means many females don’t present very convincingly in important workplace discussions and job interviews.
Amanda Blesing, a Melbourne expert on women’s leadership, says these language choices aren’t necessarily bad in social settings. Women like to feel connected to others, and using passive language can help us do this, as well as increase our chances of being liked. “Everybody wants to be liked,” Blesing says. “As women, we don’t want to offend. We’re brought up to be good and nice, and to not rock the boat.”
But she recommends women undertake a verbal audit with professional situations. “We need to take ourselves seriously. Language and words are tools, and we can use them to our advantage. They can be powerful, or they can undermine us.” Both Mohr and Blesing say awareness of speech habits is the first step in overhauling how we speak. Blesing recommends listening to a recording of your speech to discover what needs to change, while Mohr suggests working through one habit at a time, to avoid becoming overwhelmed.
Once I caught on to my excessive “justs” and uptalking, it was all I could do not to hear the bad habits, which made them easier to weed out. Do I sound more powerful? I’m waiting for my next team meeting to put the girl power in me to the test.
Breaking the habit
• Slow down and pause, conveying confidence and authority.
• Remove shrinkers like “just” and “actually” before sending emails to make your statements appear stronger.
• Use eye contact to show kindness, while keeping your power.
Karina Lane
November 2017